Expensive Colleagues,
We at College Administration at the moment are ready to difficulty our Tutorial Freedom pointers to your courses. As you understand from final yr’s memo, we in administration are robust advocates of free speech on campus. With some steerage from us, we imagine you’ll really feel extra empowered to talk your thoughts, with correct limits.
Whereas the earlier provost, president, and common counsel have “resigned,” we guarantee you our dedication to schooling stays steadfast. The brand new president even helped draft the legislation titled “De-Woke the Campus for Tutorial Freedom Act.”
Together with your assist, we are able to make sure the campus has vibrant and open discourse about topics that don’t matter to anybody.
REGULATIONS FOR THE EMPOWERMENT OF TEACHING
Recording Coverage: Your syllabus should learn as follows:“College students are inspired to document my class. The place applicable, college students might submit my class session to administrative officers and the suitable Turning Factors USA chapter and to the Professor Watchlist. College students shall be held innocent within the occasion of my receipt of dying threats or wrongful termination.”
Most popular Names: Your syllabus should learn as follows: “I’ll tackle you by your most well-liked identify, as long as it has nothing to do with LGBTQ+ points and doesn’t contain transgender id. Thus, in case you are Matthew, I’ll nonetheless name you Matt, in order for you.”
Word: We don’t need to make Matt uncomfortable. His dad’s a donor.
Course Names: In case your course identify seems controversial, we encourage you to alter it. For instance, in the event you educate “Abortion Regulation,” please think about naming it “Abortion is Unsuitable and the Regulation.” In case you educate “Household Regulation,” think about naming it “Nuclear Household Regulation.”
Course Matters: Please make sure that your course description and course assignments carefully match. In any other case, you danger disciplinary motion. For instance, within the course “Constitutional Regulation,” cease assigning the dissent. That’s just a few liberal’s view, not the legislation. Additionally, don’t use circumstances that relate to school conduct, because the Board views that as a direct risk.
Controversial Matters: Please keep away from controversial matters. For instance, in the event you educate “Worldwide Regulation,” please don’t use the phrases “warfare crimes,” “genocide,” “ICC,” “The Hague,” or “worldwide legislation” in your course assignments.
Additionally, we’ve taken the freedom of eliminating some programs which might be de facto controversial and can’t be taught. That features “Ladies and the Regulation,” “Crucial Race Idea,” “First Modification Regulation,” and “Water Regulation” (the governor is large into AI).
You’ll in all probability discover we now not educate “Transgender Regulation,” and the dean and professor who licensed that course have been fired. Your new dean, as you understand, is a former legislator and proud writer of the “Toilet Invoice.”
In case your course offends somebody on the premise that our nice United States just isn’t a meritocracy, your course is canceled. Thus, we are going to now not be instructing programs in “Employment Discrimination” or “Civil Rights Regulation.”
In case you educate “Household Regulation,” please make sure that all circumstances contain a standard nuclear household.
To your interdisciplinary “Historical past and the Regulation” course, keep away from point out that Nazi Germany brutally vilified and tortured the LGBTQ+ neighborhood in methods much like america southern states immediately. Keep away from point out that Nazi Germany focused communists. Don’t point out that anti-fascists fought fascism. Our state legislators have a tough time understanding the distinction between antifa, communism, and fascism, as the highschool historical past programs on this state had been destroyed 30 years in the past.
In case you educate “Chapter Regulation” or “Tax Regulation,” keep away from commentary associated to the impression of tariffs on the financial system.
Controversial Phrases: To keep away from misunderstanding and triggering of unlucky termination proceedings, please keep away from the phrases “trans,” “transatlantic,” “transoceanic,” “transportation,” and “Transylvania.”
Controversial Membership Sponsorship: Please keep away from sponsoring controversial golf equipment. Such membership names embody “LGBTQ+ Outlaw Membership,” “Crucial Race Idea Examine Group,” or “Rights for Everybody Membership.” Sponsorship of the “TPUSA Chapter” and “Charlie Kirk Worship Membership” is strongly inspired.
Accuracy of Supplies: Please guarantee your decisions of supplies is correct however balanced. For instance, in the event you educate a “Well being Regulation” course, please steadiness your task of peer-reviewed sources that show that vaccines don’t trigger autism with no less than one non-peer-reviewed useful resource, ideally ones endorsed by RFK Jr. In no way are you to cite Charlie Kirk, as we’re uncertain as to the accuracy of any of his quotes.
Clinics: The Immigration Regulation clinic shall be repurposed to require obligatory service in ICE to get a greater understanding of how immigration works on the bottom and never within the ivory tower of academia. Being improperly arrested by ICE is not going to depend towards service hours.
School Bios and CVs: Please make sure that your bios and CVs should not have any reference to most well-liked pronouns, any work you’ve gotten executed for LGBTQ+ causes, or any “left leaning” causes such because the Federalist Society. We additionally encourage, however don’t require, donations to a right-wing conservative candidate of over $200 or extra to show college mental variety.
DEI: Due to a beneficiant grant from the Koch Basis, we’ve got established a “Drug Enforcement and ICE” (DEI) program that examines the constructive methods ICE interacts with our communities. All DEI hyperlinks will now robotically repost there.
Thanks all to your consideration to this matter!
Administration
LawProfBlawg is an nameless legislation professor. Observe him on X/Twitter/no matter (@lawprofblawg). He’s additionally on BlueSky, Mastodon, and Threads relying on his temper. E mail him at [email protected]. The views of this weblog put up don’t symbolize the views of his employer, his employer’s authorities, his Dean, his colleagues, his household, or himself. This piece is satire, hopefully.
