Nigel Prendergast, senior dogsbody at Prendergast & Preposterously Excessive Charges Property & Lettings Company adjusted his tie as he welcomed the Chancellor, Rachel Reeves, into his tiny workplace—an area so cramped it doubled as a brush cabinet and the break room, largely as a result of the precise break room had been repurposed into “a captivating micro-studio” listed at £975 a month.
“Chancellor, pretty to have you ever,” Nigel beamed, sweeping a stack of property brochures off the one obtainable chair.
“Cup of tea? Espresso? Curiosity-only mortgage recommendation? A really moderately priced one-bed flat in Croydon that positively isn’t constructed on a former sinkhole?”
Rachel smiled icily. “Simply right here to speak in regards to the new funds, Nigel.”
“Ah sure,” he stated, rubbing his fingers collectively as if he have been producing each heat and fee. “I’ve learn the headlines. Taxes, funding, development… however the true query is: will semi-detached homes in Swindon lastly break the £1 million mark?
“I’ve a vendor who insists his DIY conservatory provides ‘Buckingham-Palace-level worth.’ He used three sorts of sealant, you realize.”
Rachel raised an eyebrow. “The funds goals to stabilise the housing market, not ship it into orbit. Extra constructing, extra provide, extra equity.”
Nigel gasped as if she’d advised nationalising lunch breaks. “Extra provide? But when homes change into reasonably priced, how will I proceed telling consumers a transformed backyard shed is a ‘bijou city retreat with rustic attraction’? Have you learnt how lengthy it took me to rehearse that phrase?”
“That,” Rachel replied robotically, “appears like a private downside.”
Prendergast leaned ahead, decreasing his voice to the tone of a person sharing state secrets and techniques. “Look, Chancellor, you don’t perceive. Property brokers thrive on drama. Rising costs, bidding wars… determined millennials providing to call their firstborn after the vendor if it helps their provide stand out.”
“That’s exactly why the funds addresses affordability,” she stated. “Individuals deserve stability.”
Nigel’s shoulders slumped. “Stability. Such a dreary phrase. Couldn’t you no less than let me hold my favorite phrase: ‘This space is up-and-coming’? It really works wherever—Manchester, Milton Keynes, even that little bit of Studying with the giraffe mural and the 24-hour car-park raves.”
Rachel stood to depart. “The housing market will survive, Nigel. And so will you.”
He watched her go, muttering, “Fantastic. But when costs truly stage out, I’m rebranding as a way of life guru. Fewer numbers, extra scented candles. And nobody argues in regards to the worth of a candle.”
As imagined by EYE, with a little bit assist from ChatGPT.
